


i miss you, i'm sorry

by tuanholic



Series: MewGulf: The Reason Why Love Songs Exist [1]
Category: Mewgulf, เกลียดนักมาเป็นที่รักกันซะดีๆ | TharnType: The Series (TV), เกลียดนักมาเป็นที่รักกันซะดีๆ | TharnType: The Series (TV) RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Song fic, lots of crying!Gulf, mewgulf finding their way back to each is the only happy ending that matters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:27:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27246520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tuanholic/pseuds/tuanholic
Summary: A fic based on the song I Miss You, I'm Sorry by Gracie Abrams
Relationships: Mew Suppasit Jongcheveevat/Gulf Kanawut Traipipattanapong
Series: MewGulf: The Reason Why Love Songs Exist [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1989370
Comments: 7
Kudos: 56





	i miss you, i'm sorry

**Author's Note:**

> Not betaread.

_Do you remember happy together?_

_I do, don't you?_

Gulf remembers the first time he confessed to Mew. It was, for him, the happiest day of his life. It was the start of the happiest days of his life.

He knew from the moment he realized that what he felt for Mew was love, it was the start of his forever. Because he finally got it right.

_Then all of a sudden, you're sick to your stomach_

_Is that still true?_

But everything came crashing down when Mew told him, for the umpteenth time that month, that he's tired.

Not from his packed schedules that left him no time for him to catch a breath.

_But tired. Of Gulf. Of them._

Mew, with his shaky legs knelt down in front of Gulf and leaned forward, feeling the latter's warm breath on his face.

**"I don't want to do this anymore, Gulf,"** Mew shakingly mumbled under his breath, placing his hand on Gulf's knee who was leaning on the wall, his eyes tightly shut, broken sobs endlessly escaping his plump and bruised lips.

But Mew didn't really mean to yell at him over the phone that he was tired of Gulf when what he meant was he was tired of work.

But every wave of insecurity and uncertainty Mew thought Gulf had already soothed came crashing down on him at that exact moment.

The exhaustion that engulfed his whole being ignited the seas again, swallowing him into the deepest part of the sea.

That maybe he is tired of everything.

_Of Gulf. Of them._

Gulf's eyes widened, his body snapping when he heard the words Mew said. He stared at his Phi, his breath staggering and throat tight from the tears.

Mew looked down, unable to stare at Gulf, shame heavily weighing on his eyelids.

Gulf's stare kept shifting, trying to process what his Phi said.

And there it dawned him.

His Phi doesn't want him anymore.

His Phi doesn't want what they have anymore.

The tears and grief Gulf tried to swallow made itself evident, his beautiful face forming to that of a pained expression.

**"No, Phi, no!"** Gulf shouted, placing both of his hands on Mew's shoulders shaking him as if Mew died in front of him.

_Mew's love died in front of him._

**"W-we said, "Forever" together, right?"** Gulf said desperately, lowering his head to try and meet Mew's whose eyes still refuse to look at his.

Gulf exhaled sharply and knelt in front of Mew and shook his Phi's shoulders again. He cleared his throat hastily, trying to compose himself. **"Y-you said "stay together f-for a long time"... what is this, Phi?"** Gulf blurted out, choking on his words. He felt his throat tightening again, his face scrunched into the same pained expression he had a while ago, wells of fresh tears painting his eyes. Despair.

Mew bit his lip and turned his head slightly away from the younger's.

Gulf kept chanting "no" continuously, refusing to give up and kept shaking Mew's shoulders in utter desperation.

Mew closed his eyes and let out a shaky exhale. He grabbed both of Gulf's shoulders gently that made the younger halt.

A tiny bud of hope bloomed inside Gulf, his breath still quick from the exhaustion he got from crying.

But Mew stood up slowly trying to catch his balance.

He finally looked up and stared down at the younger.

**"I'm sorry, Gulf,"** were the last words Gulf heard as Mew cupped his cheek and kissed his right eye harshly as if wanting to leave a permanent mark on it and grabbed his coat that was draped on the chair and quickly turned around, with no intention of looking back.

Gulf was left there. All alone. On his own.

He heard the loud bang of the door, signaling Mew's leave with no sign of returning.

**"P'…Mew…"** Gulf muttered. The little amount of strength he had left from kneeling down escaped his knees, making his back land on the cold hard wall.

**"P'Mew!"** Gulf yelled, Mew's name bouncing off of every wall of his and Mew's shared apartment.

Gulf kept on sobbing. He hugged his knees close to his chest, his breath quickening with no sign of stopping.

**"P'Mew…"** Gulf uttered brokenly, leaning weakly on the wall. 

_You said, "Forever, " in the end I fought it_

_Please be honest, are we better for it?_

Gulf thought it was forever. Because that's what Mew told him on that one summer afternoon in bed where him and Mew escaped for a short three-day vacation.

_Thought you'd hate me, but instead you called_

**"Gulf?"** Mew whispered through the call, almost sounding like a hush.

It’s been six months since he last heard anything from the elder.

Gulf froze. He already deleted Mew's number, what he called was the first step of him moving on. But who was he kidding? Of course he knew Mew's number like the back of his hand.

**"Y-yes, Phi?"** Gulf replied, clutching the phone on his hand and pressing it on his ear a little too much, scared of missing whatever Mew wanted to tell him.

**"Nothing,"** Mew said nonchalantly. **"Just…wanted to know if you're still using this number."** He added.

Gulf felt disappointed.

**"I… see. I'm… still using this, though."** He replied. He chewed on his lip when Mew didn't reply.

_And said, "I miss you"_

_I caught it_

_"I miss you."_ Mew said in a hushed tone laced with desperation, ending the call abruptly in hopes of the younger not hearing what he said.

But Gulf heard it.

Because he always and will always pay attention to _everything that his Khun Phi is._

He didn't regret clutching his phone on his and pressing it on his ear a little too hard until his knuckles whitened. Because he heard what he knew he'll never hear from Mew again.

And it stuck to him like a creepy lullaby that didn't let him sleep that night.

_Good to each other, give it the summer_

_I knew, you too_

_**"P'?"** Gulf called out, looking up at the elder who had his arm serving as Gulf's pillow whilst he played with the younger's hair._

_**"Hm?"** Mew replied, staring back at the younger._

_Gulf looked down shyly that made Mew chuckle._

_**"What is it, hm?"** Mew said and nudged the younger's head softly with the arm his head was resting on._

_**"Do you… think we'll stay like this forever?"** Gulf said. He saw Mew's eyes droop a little, his smile slightly wore down from the question._

_Oh, right. P'Mew doesn't like that word._

_**"Or for a long time?"** Gulf quickly added, his pitch a little higher than normal from the panic._

_Mew lolled his head back and laughed._

_When he was done laughing, he looked down on the younger with a smile brighter than the sun that made Gulf blush._

_**"Yes, tua-eng. Forever, for a long time…"** Mew said, trailing his words and stared at the distance and stared back at the younger again._

_**"For as long as we like."** Mew said and pulled Gulf's head closer gently, kissing it through his thick, black locks making Gulf close his eyes and let out a contented sigh._

_But I only saw you once in December_

_I'm still confused_

**"Phi? Will you be able to make it?"** Gulf asked, trying to tone down his excitement because finally, him and Mew will be seeing each other again after a long and cold two-week separation from each other. And it's also Gulf's second big fan meeting and Mew is his special guest.

Gulf heard the ruckus over the phone that he assumed was the filming crew packing the things they used on set.

**"I'm sorry, tua-eng. I… won't be able to go. I'll just call someone to fill in for me, alright? Maybe Mild or Haii?"** Mew said sounding like he was in a rush. _Because he is._

The smile on Gulf's face fell, the feeling of emptiness slowly chewing on his heart.

But he tried to pull his cheeks in to form a smile, to make it sound like it's alright. It's perfectly fine. And like what he always says…

**"It's alright, Phi. I'll see you soon?"** He replied.

He heard Mew let out a sigh of relief. **"Th--"**

Mew was about to reply when he heard someone — which he assumes was from a crew — shouted, **"Nong Mew krub! On set in a minute!"**

Gulf winced at the loud noises he could hear from the other side of the phone. And Mew yelling, **"Got it, P'!"** didn't help either.

Because he knew "on set in a minute" means work. It means Mew won't make it. Again. Just like last time.

**"Thank you, Gulf. Love you. I'll see you soon."** Mew quickly said and the last thing Gulf heard was the beeping sound before he heard his heart break into two.

_You said, "Forever, " and I almost bought it_

_I miss fighting in your old apartment_

**"Gulf, I already told you. I cannot stay even for an hour because we couldn't shoot yesterday's scene that's why we had to re-schedule and shoot it today."** Mew explained, eyes glued on his laptop screen to a Gulf who had both of his hands placed on his hips and started typing something for his thesis again with his right hand while his left hand occupied a fork.

Gulf didn't know when he started demanding even a second of Mew's time when his brain was already conditioned to saying, "Okay krub, Phi. I understand." whenever Mew can't make it.

**"But it's my graduation, Phi. And you promised."** Gulf calmly reasoned out and it was, indeed, a fact.

_Why announce it to the whole world that you already cleared your schedule if you knew you couldn't make it, right?_

Gulf heard Mew drop his fork on the ground.

And Gulf knew what that meant.

Fuck, no.

_Breaking dishes when you're disappointed_

Mew stood up and grabbed his plate, throwing it to the ground.

Gulf's whole body jolted from the sound. He closed his eyes and braced himself from what was to come.

**"For hell's sake, Gulf!" Mew's voiced boomed inside their kitchen. "I told you to stop demanding from my time, didn't I?!"** he said, Mew's face painted with nothing but pure anger and disappointed.

Gulf bit his lip and looked down.

**"I'm sorry."** He whispered, but enough for Mew to hear.

Mew clicked his tongue and walked out, banging the door to make sure that Gulf knows he's angry.

_I still love you, I promise_

Gulf bit down his lip harshly, his tear-stained cheeks pulled his mouth into a bitter smile. He leaned his head back on the headboard, sitting down on what was once his and Mew's shared bed, his knees hugged close to his chest again.

Because he knew that no matter what Mew does, he'd still love him.

_Nothing happened in the way I wanted_

_Every corner of this house is haunted_

Gulf kept sobbing, muttering, "P'Mew" whenever his breath would permit him to.

He started rubbing his arms because everything started feeling so cold.

He looked around what used to be his and Mew’s shared space, his eyes blurred with tears.

He could still see the shelf Mew had some of his figurines in.

He could still see the pair of candy-printed socks hanging on the foot of the bed.

Mew's shoes.

Mew's clothes.

Mew's figurines.

Even Chopper's clothes are lying on the floor.

Every corner of their room is decorated with Mew.

But no sight of the older man's body.

Just traces of him he knew he'll take with him as he grows old. And alone.

And growing old alone he goes. But he needed to do one last thing. One last confirmation.

He's had enough.

_And I know you said that we're not talking_

_But I miss you, I'm sorry_

_A year._

Gulf called Mew again. He wanted to try his luck and see if Mew is still using his phone number.

He dialed the elder's phone number and did what he had done when Mew called him on a spur of the moment, pressing his phone on his ear and clutching his phone until his knuckles resemble the color of a blank canvas.

If Mew answers and he gets to ask what he wanted to ask, and the elder answers what he fears, he will go. He will finally let go.

The ringing sound stopped and he heard a deep, **"Hello?"** that he knew belonged to his Khun Phi.

Gulf gasped and covered his mouth in shock, his hand making a slapping sound.

His tears are welling in his eyes again. He blinks his eyes quickly and shut them tight, trying to stop the others from falling.

**"Gulf?"** Mew said, voice laced with concern. **"Are you crying?"** He said.

Gulf choked when he heard the questions. He exhaled sharply and sniffed loudly, an attempt to calm himself down to prevent his voice from wavering.

**"I-It's me, Phi. It's Gulf,"** He said, his voice hoarse but nonetheless calm. **"C-Can I ask you something? It'll only take a minute, I promise."** Gulf said. He quickly stood up from his bed and started nervously pacing back and forth, both of his hands now clutching his phone.

**"Sure,"** Mew said. **"I have time."** He added.

Gulf let out a shaky sigh of relief. But when he realized what he was about to ask, his breath started quickening again.

**"Gulf, calm down,"** Mew worriedly said. **"What is it, hm? It's okay, you can tell Phi."** Gulf could hear how over the edge Mew is right now. He heard the tiny squeak his chair made, how he knew that Mew would come rushing to his side if he asked him to.

How Gulf wished he did that when he asked for him to come to his graduation.

How Gulf wished Mew did that when he asked if he could still come to his fan meet.

But what Mew didn't know was that _the time when he wanted to rush to Gulf's side is the time where Gulf finally had the guts to leave._

**"Should I go now?"** Gulf vaguely asked, his eyes tightly shut, his lips in between his teeth.

Gulf heard Mew sitting back down slowly, his chair making that certain squeak again. **"Go where, Nong?"** He gently asked, his voice finally relaxed.

**"To where you are not and where you chose to not be in."** Gulf answered.

Gulf heard Mew's breath hitch in shock.

None of them answered for a long while, Mew processing what Gulf just said, knowing all to well where Gulf wants to go.

Time stood still and Gulf no longer felt afraid. Instead, bravery started wrapping his heart, preparing himself for Mew's answer.

Mew knows that where Gulf is going is not a place. But a time.

To the future.

Where Mew is not a part of.

**"Gulf…"** Mew whispered his name. He sounded… _desperate._

And when Gulf heard this, the armor of bravery that started wrapping his body up ended up falling apart. And he could hear it dropping on the floor.

**"Say it, Phi."** Gulf said, his patience hanging by a thread. **"Just say it, goddamn it!"** he yelled, dropping himself on the floor, clutching his aching heart.

He heard Mew's breath quickened. **"Gulf…"** he whispered.

**"What, what, what?! What “Gulf”?!"** Gulf screamed over the phone. **"Stop saying my name like you want me to stay! Just say you don't want to anymore and I'll leave!"** He yelled.

**"Where are you?"** Mew asked.

**"What?"** Gulf replied, not believing what he just heard the man asked him.

**"I said, where are you?"** The elder repeated. He could hear him scrambling and heard the clinking sound of what he assumes were _Mew’s keys._

Gulf sniffed and stood up with shaky legs, wiping his face with the back of his arm. **"O-Our old apartment."** he replied.

**"Stay there. Don't go,"** Mew replied. Gulf can hear the latter's door swinging open and closing with a bang.

The younger was panicking. He could hear how hot Mew is on his heels.

**"W-What? I-I don't understand."** Gulf said. He could feel his head spinning from crying too much so he sat down on his and Mew's bed.

He heard what seems to be a car door locking and an engine starting.

**"Don't go, Gulf,"** Mew said, his voice choking.

**"Take me with you."** was the last thing Gulf said before Mew ended the call.

Gulf gasped in shock and started crying again, but tears were no longer pouring out of his eyes. He feels… happy. So, so happy.

_I don't wanna go, think I'll make it worse_

Mew wants to go with him.

And he will wait.

They'll go together.

Just like they promised.

_Everything I know brings me back to us_

He knows how much he loves Mew. Not because of all of the hurtful things he endured. Not because of how much he changed with Mew's love.

But because he knows the kind of love he had for Mew will linger in his heart forever.

A love that he knew he could never feel with somebody else.

Because he knows that who you utter forever with should be spent with that person only.

_I don't wanna go, we've been here before_

_Everywhere I go leads me back to you_

Gulf stared at the clock. It's been an hour. Still no sign of Mew.

Did Mew… lie?

He felt a sharp pang on his chest at the thought.

No… that's impossible. He said he'll come with me. No…

He clutched his chest tightly trying to stop whatever it is that was squeezing his heart.

He kept hitting his chest with his fist because it just won't stop.

Gulf kept muttering a string of "no" while continuously hitting his chest…

… when he heard the door open and closing with a bang.

His head quickly snapped up almost breaking his neck and saw a tall and muscular figure standing just a few feet away from him.

_Mew._

_Everything I know brings me back to us_

**"Gulf."** Mew called out for the younger, his eyes starting to glisten with tears.

**"P'Mew,"** Gulf whispered, his voice still hoarse but no signs of an impending cry. He slowly stood up, clearing his throat. **"P'Mew!"** he shouted and ran up to the elder, throwing himself up in his arms.

Mew hugged him as tightly as he could, pressing the younger's head to his chest while showering it with kisses.

A whole year of pining for the younger.

A whole year wasted on nothing but regrets.

And all it took was one phone call from Gulf asking him if he could go without him to drop everything for Gulf to take him with him.

_I don't wanna go, we've been here before_

**"P'Mew,"** Mew could hear through the muffling of Gulf's voice how tired the latter is from how croaked his voice is. **"P'Mew."** He called out again, tightening his grip on Mew's shirt.

**"I love you so much,"** Mew said, holding the younger's waist as tight as he could. **"I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry. I missed you,"** he chanted while dropping kisses on Gulf's head to his ears, to every place Mew's lips could land on.

Gulf leaned back and stared at Mew and cupped his face.

Mew, not letting go of Gulf's waist, held his hand and kissed his palm.

**"You're here,"** Gulf said and started caressing Mew's cheek with the pad of his thumb. "You're really here," he said, his voice starting to croak as he is on the verge of his tears.

Mew nodded furiously and kept kissing Gulf's palm. " **I'm here, _tua-eng._ I'm going with you. Take me with you."** Mew said and looked at the younger in all seriousness.

**"Will you take me with you? Is it too late, baby?"** Mew asked hopelessly.

Gulf shook his head and smiled. **"No,"** he answered. **"It's never too late for you, Phi."**

And that's all it took for Mew to break down and kneel in front of Gulf.

He hugged the younger's knees and kept apologizing, crying his heart out.

Gulf bit his lip trying to stop himself from crying and knelt down to envelop Mew into a bear hug.

**"Don't leave me again, Phi,"** Gulf whispered while massaging Mew's nape. **"Never again."** He said and placed a kiss on the elder's ear. 

_Everywhere I go leads me back to you_

**"Never again,"** Mew repeated, placing a kiss on the younger's neck.

Gulf smiled and leaned back, cupping both of Mew's cheeks. **"Together forever?"** He asked Mew.

**"Together, forever."** Mew replied and leaned towards Gulf's chest, hearing the beating sound of his heart.

As Gulf felt Mew's body against his, he knew abandoning what he and Mew had would make everything worse.

Because he knew that wherever he'll go, his soul will always find its way to Mew.

_**"Everywhere I go leads me back to you."** _

**Author's Note:**

> This song fic series has been in my mind now for a long time and I'm actually hitting two bird with one stone here: it's both my first attempt in angst and a song fic. I have also been in a writer's block mode so I apologize if this isn't that good :( Also, the usual song fics that I read are quite short but mine exceeded 3k words so I do apologize for that. Will reduce it to the usual number if I deviated from the usual number + will do better next time I make one since I'll be turning this into a series/collection. ^^
> 
> Enough of my excuses. Lmao. Tadam! This wasn't supposed to have a happy ending but if you wanted a 'MewGulf not ending together but it gave them peace' type of ending, do comment below and I'll add another chapter that'll contain the alternative ending. ^^ 
> 
> I'm also on Twitter @tuanholic so.. there's that. Thank you for reading! Bye bye! ^^


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